Hillary endorses heroin use, frequent masturbation in campaign opener

The pre-event music played at Hillary Clinton's official Senatorial campaign kick-off may provide clues to the First Lady's "hidden agenda," according to longtime political observer Rudy Giuliani.

Giuliani, mayor of a large city in the state's urban south, alledges that the campaign's use of the Billy Joel song "Captain Jack" suggests that Clinton is covertly endorsing a seamy subculture of chemical dependency and autoeroticism.

As evidence, Giuliani points to a pair of lyrics: "Captain Jack can get you high tonight and take you to your special island", and "Your sister's gone, she's on a date, and you just sit at home and masturbate."

Since the song was played at a campaign event, Giuliani points out, it must have been used with the authorization of the candidate herself, and represent views she endorses.

There have been whispered allegations in the past that Clinton looked favorably on the so-called "smack 'n' whack" lifestyle, but this is the first real evidence to substantiate the charge.

Giuliani, who admits to "toying with the idea" of running for higher office himself some day, insists that his campaign will stick to wholesome classics that reflect his philosophy, such as "Mack the Knife".